October 22nd, 2012 
Emily 
I just finished reading a summary report about a survey of accompanying partners (trailing spouses, as I call myself) and career choices. I enjoyed reading the survey summary because it validated a lot of my fears and experiences. Here are some of the interesting tidbits I read:
“Ninety percent of accompanying partners worked before going on international assignment, but only 35 percent worked while on assignment. (Permits Foundation, 2008)”
After being in Kenya, this makes a lot of sense to me. I’m lucky enough to work part-time as a freelance writer, which is a job that I can do remotely. I would not be able to get a work permit in Kenya, so if I had a career path that required me to do in-person work, it would be very difficult for me to get a job here. Many other countries have similarly stringent work permit rules, so I imagine this is a barrier for many accompanying partners.
“[Accompanying partners] who have been abroad for longest, report the highest level of fulfillment. Accompanying partners in their first year abroad rated themselves as the most unfulfilled.”
Through my blog and other social networks, I’ve been fortunate enough to meet a variety of expats and trailing spouses and I consistently notice that the older partners are much more satisfied with their lives. As for me personally, just a year into my trailing spouse life, I feel a lot more confident and happy with my choice. I think I’ve gotten used to my new life and I’ve seen many of the advantages that come with being a trailing spouse, so I feel more emotionally settled, and consequently more satisfied.
“Younger participants report lower levels of fulfillment than their older counterparts.”
With age comes wisdom, right? I also wonder if my generation of younger accompanying partners has been socialized to feel like work is a defining part of our identities. I know several married couples my age who live thousands of miles apart to accommodate their two careers, instead of choosing to make career sacrifices that would allow them to live together. We’ve been taught to prioritize our careers, is it any wonder that when we prioritize our marriages, we feel less fulfilled?
“Accompanying partners DO want to work, but they have to find creative and flexible ways to:
- accommodate local circumstances
- balance work with the important role of being an accompanying partner in managing the relocation and supporting the family”
We don’t even have kids, but this already feels true for us. Someone needs to be available to manage all the large and small details of moving frequently and traveling frequently. Since my husband is working in stressful and busy job already, it’s my responsibility to take care of all the loose ends in our home life. I bring him to and from the airport. I buy the kitty litter and the Listerene before his whirlwind trips to east Africa. I find us new dentists and doctors. I communicate with everyone at home and plan all of our trips. He’s very grateful for my work; without me, he says, he would probably never get a physical, have no friends, and never be able to travel outside of work. He simply doesn’t have the time or energy to plan all that stuff, so I do it.
If you’re interested in reading the summary report for the survey, head over to AccompanyingPartner.com. You can enter you email address to get a free PDF copy of the summary sent to your inbox.
And if you’re an accompanying partner, what are your thoughts? Do you see some these trends reflected in your own life?
Photo by: meganfitzgerald
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Hi Emily – I just came to your site via an article and link on friendships, what a great blog congratulations! And also a BIG thank you for reading and reporting on our research Career Choices and the Accompanying Partner.
We thoroughly enjoyed investigating the experiences and opinions of such a diverse range of partners living in in over 50 countries. Career means different things to different people, the supporting role of an accompanying partner was pretty universal and so it was lovely to read about your role in supporting your partner.
All the best for your time in Kenya – where are you based? I have a friend who moved to Nairobi two months ago.
Hi Louise,
Thanks for all your hard work on the report. I really enjoyed reading it. As I said, it made me see my own experience in a new light and it helped me feel more connected.
I’m also in Nairobi (although just for a few more weeks). We head back to the U.S. in November.
Our society places huge importance on career- which is why people like you and I, who have sacrificed, often feel out of place (as you’ve addressed in a previous post.) I really like the point made in the article you linked to about measuring career success- and how we need to find it in our families and relationships. I’m so glad you’ve seen the benefits of your situation and aren’t going to let society influence your happiness. I promise to do the same!
Yay, go us. It’s sometimes a struggle, but I’ve been feeling better and better about my choice! I hope you have to! That’s why I loved this article, it was great to hear from someone who is very much invested in the traditional work world say that family and relationships are what matter most.
Emily, First of all, thank you so much for writing about our research report. Each article covering the report helps us to reach a wider audience. Judy Rickatson posted your article about friendship on our Expat Partner Online Coffee page on Facebook and after reading it, I read a number of your other posts. Each accompanying partner (I’m afraid I agree with your husband on the term “trailing spouse
) has a unique experience and has her/his own journey towards creating a fulfilling experience overseas and you have written some lovely and very honest posts about yours. I’m looking forward to reading more. Thanks again.
Evelyn Simpson
I really enjoyed reading the summary report, so I’m glad I could share it with my readers!
Thanks for checking out my blog, and I’m glad you enjoyed reading it. I know more and more accompanying spouses in their late 20s and early 30s, but no one is really talking about their experience. I’m just hoping I can open up more discussion with other men and women my age who are choosing to accompany a partner overseas (or across the country.)
Emily, Louise and I were very aware when we analysed our data that there were notable differences for younger accompanying partners both in their quantitative and qualitative answers. I was a younger accompanying partner without children a longer time ago than I care to admit so I recognise that much has changed since then. I would be very interested in talking to you about your experience and understanding the unique challenges that come up for younger accompanying partners in today’s environment. Do you have time to have a chat on Skype sometime? Looking forward to continuing the conversation.
As usual, your blog has given me something to think about. I’m nearing the end of my second year as a trailing/accompanying spouse and I’m feeling restless, unsettled, and frustrated and it’s getting worse as time goes on. I think part of the problem is that there’s no end date at this point, but we also know we don’t want to stay in Britain forever, so I have this sense of “limbo” that is driving me absolutely mad. I’m also having trouble finding work (I teach and do charity work with at-risk youth), and so I’m feeling unfulfilled professionally on top of everything else. Being a supportive of my husband (and cats, ha,ha) just doesn’t take up enough of my day! Anyway, I often think about how my feelings would change if I were working full-time, or if we were living elsewhere, etc. It seems the common theme for the happier trailing spouses is a whole-hearted commitment to living abroad, and the sacrifices that come with it. Maybe I’m just not there yet…
I’m looking forward to reading through the whole report. It’s always helpful to hear about other accompanying spouses’ experiences.
I am so impressed with your blog and your positive and realistic attitude. Do you have any advice or articles or websites for trailing Army (or other military) spouses who followed their soldiers their entire career and now have a resume’ of many different jobs and gaps in between. We are finally “settled,” yet I am finding it difficult to find meaningful work. I feel as if I do not fit in any where and I can not bear the thought of starting as the new girl again. Thank you.