October 17th, 2012 
Emily 
As a former middle school teacher, I think instructions are very important. If you want people to do something, you need to tell them, in very clear language, what to do. Naturally, I am very good at giving instructions. Or, as my husband would put it, I am bossy. Nonetheless, my classroom was a well-run machine.
Of course, the flip side is that I also respect instructions, and try to follow them whenever possible. I am a rule-follower, and proud of it.
I began to question my rule-following ways when I went to the bathroom at my husband’s office in western Kenya. Inside the bathroom stall was a full set of instructions, or “guidelines” as they put it, for how to use the washroom.
Step 1: Make sure you live the bathroom as clean as you found it.
I’m assuming “live” means “leave”. I can do this.
Step 2: Flash the toilet immediately after finished and make sure that all waste is gone.
Well this is awkward. Flash the toilet? Flash it? Like the way we say “flash” in the U.S.? Oh wait, they mean Flush the toilet. Got it.
Step 3: The toilet seat cover is meant for sitting but not stepping on.
I can only imagine that this is meant for people who are used to squat toilets. Why else would a person think to step on the toilet seat? I certainly won’t be stepping on it.
Step 4: Use the pusher pump to push the waste inside incase it cannot be flashed.
Uhh, I have no idea what any of this means. I just hope the toilet can be “flashed”.
Step 5: All the materials in the washroom e.g. the tap, mirror, urinal and the sink, to be handle carefully to avoid breakage.
Oh my God, does it really get so crazy here in that you have to tell people not to break the bathroom?
Next came a series of instructions related to the use of toilet paper.
Step 6: Make sure you use it while thinking of others.
Well, this is awkward. Who should I think of while using the toilet paper? My husband, who has gotten me into this mess in the first place? The people who chopped down the trees to make this toilet paper? My family at home, who can use toilet paper with reckless abandon?
Step 7: The tissue should not be rolled and dumped in the toilet or put on the floor, as this shows a waste of the company resources.
This feels like one of those warnings that comes from a real-life incident. Someone once put the toilet paper on the floor and now we all have to suffer the consequences.
Step 8: The tissues are meant to be used in the washrooms here at CRC not to be carried home.
Ohhh, I’m guilty of this one. Many of the bathrooms in Kenya don’t have toilet paper in them, so sometimes I take a little extra toilet paper from a well-stocked bathroom and put it in my pocket in case I need it later. They’re on to me though. Better stop doing that.
Step 9: Report any problem to one of the maintenance around for quick correction.
I see they have a strong appreciation of customer service here, very nice!
Note: Please this toilet is being maintained by human beings like you therefore, we require maximum discipline while using of this facility.
As any good teacher knows, sometimes you have to repeat your instructions. I’m glad they reiterated the need for maximum discipline, but I think they would really hammer it home if they put MAXIMUM DISCIPLINE in capital letters.
Just in case you didn’t believe me.
After all that, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to use the bathroom. Luckily, there was no room left on the page to list the consequences for misbehavior, otherwise I might have really been scared away.
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It’s so funny. Believe me or not, but I can’t stop laughing and the ironic and funny way you are writing about hehehe. There are some really awkward instructions here…
Aww, thanks Agness, glad you enjoyed the post! I couldn’t stop laughing in the bathroom, so I was glad there was no one else around.
Awkward … I’ve havent been flashing or thinking of others. Serious error on my part. Ah well, at least I know for next time
Yes, glad I could help you out with that one.
So funny! I was laughing out loud when I read this. It reminded me of all the hotel bathrooms in South Africa that had glass walls (with no curtains or shades, just see-through glass floor to ceiling) separating the bedroom from the bathroom…. pretty awkward considering I was sharing a room with my brother, brother-in-law and dad. Every time someone had to use the bathroom either I had to leave the room or all of them did!
Ugh, that does sound awful/awkward. Why would anyone think it’s a good idea to have a bathroom with clear, glass walls?
Sheesh, that is one strict bathroom, lol. Loved it! Too funny.
Thanks Gina!
Hilarious. It reminds me of the instruction books you sometimes get with a small appliance that are clearly badly translateds. But you are not an appliance!
Yeah, it does remind me of that too! It was so surreal to see a sign like that in a bathroom…
OMG .. that is hilarious!! I can see you now, flashing the toilet. (With your camera, Emily, with your camera.)
It’s true, I mean I took a picture of the sign, so there was some flashing involved.
Well, at least it’s a Polite Notice. I can’t stand those bathroom instructions that just barge in on your business, get up in your face with no thought to manners, and use offensive language.
Haha, I know it!
Also, I didn’t know you were blogging now! I can’t wait to check out your site!
Funny! I left Vancouver in July and at the airport a little boy walk out of a stall followed by his mother. The seat was just covered with pee. I said to the mother, “excuse me, aren’t you going to clean that up?” and she said something to me in Cantonese and walked away. I’ve noticed a lot of public toilets in Van have graphics of a figure squating on a toilet seat with a red line drawn thru it. No idea who doeas that but I assume it’s becoming a problem.
Yeah, I imagine it’s similar to here. Many people use the Eastern-style squat toilets, so they think that you are still supposed to squat on a Western toilet (by standing on the seat and then squatting over the hole in the middle of the toilet, I guess?) So it makes sense to me that someone from China might do the same thing, since I know there are squat toilets in China.
Sorry you had to deal with the pee though, eww!
Okay, first you steal t.p., next you will fail to use the pusher pump to push the waste inside and next you will be breaking the sinks. You rebel, Emily! Maybe the next time you use their facility you should leave of list of your own instructions. What a hoot reading this was!
Haha, thanks Betsy! Glad you enjoyed the signage as much as I did.
This is so funny! I am snorting out loud–especially the part about things getting so crazy in there that they actually break! Fun post
I know, I was snorting with laughter in the bathroom. Thank goodness no one came in!
First, I love directions too. All good teachers do. And rule #1 of any classroom should be “Follow all directions immediately, without complaining.” That covers just about everything else.
Second- My husband thinks I’m bossy too. And now my daughter (10) is learning to really enjoy giving directions. Must be an xx thing.
Third- Thanks for sharing- gave me another laugh. “Flash the toilet”!
I have been really enjoying many of your posts after finding your blog recently. I can relate to much of it as a “trailing spouse” (though we’ve had an odd path of everything from him taking a leave of absence while I worked remotely to returning “home” to an expat assignment now, still doing my job as “digital nomad”). I don’t want to get overzealous with commenting, but I could on so many posts:-) Oddly enough, this one compelled me to comment.
First, thanks for a great laugh! I took a picture of the instructions on my gym’s toilets here in China and of course, the standing on the seat was included. Apparently, that’s a big problem for places where people are used to squat toilets (it’s not just a matter of not knowing what to do but preferring this method, which apparently has lots of pros over the old seated method–but I’ll still take the seat!) and I have since learned that traveling around Middle East and Africa, you see a lot of broken seats because of this. I found it a bit odd in Shanghai, though, where people are pretty used to seeing “regular” toilets (but, again, guess it’s that preference thing).
Our showers also have instructions, which include the admonition about breaking things–as well as 2 important items: “cover your body with a towel when leaving shower area” (not so much followed) and “no defecation in the shower” (please tell me this one is absolutely followed). Also, the hair dryers are not to be used for “other than drying hair”–clothes drying maybe??
What a great toilet post:-) It really is quite a “cultural” subject, oddly enough…