July 25th, 2012 
Emily 
For me, one of the challenges of being a trailing spouse is finding the balance between being satisfied with my life and feeling guilty about it.
My life is generally wonderful. I have a fantastic spouse and a supportive family. I don’t have to work, so I can pursue projects that interest me. I get to live a comfortable lifestyle in a foreign country. I rarely feel stressed.
I’m happy, and grateful for the life I have, but sometimes I feel guilty, too.
Especially if I’ve just had a relaxing day of writing, reading, and sitting on the couch. I feel guilty about enjoying my life, and I start to wonder if maybe I should be doing something that is more productive or less enjoyable, something more like “work”.
I know this is a bit ridiculous. My husband loves his job; for him, work is enjoyable. And in many ways, my writing is work.
But still, I start to get anxious and wonder why I haven’t done something miraculous with all this free time that I have. Shouldn’t I have finished sewing that quilt I started in January? Shouldn’t I have published a book by now?
So, my latest personal goal is to let go of the guilt. Feeling guilty isn’t productive. I need to remind myself that it’s ok to be happy with the life I have chosen. It’s ok to let my husband support me financially, so that I can be present to support him emotionally. It’s ok to let go of amorphous and unrealistic goals, and instead focus on the small tasks that keep me feeling creative, happy, and fulfilled.
I don’t usually use mantras, but if I did, this would be my new mantra: let go.
Posted in 
Tags: 
I saw a bumper sticker about a hundred years ago that said “Screw Guilt.” Plainly put, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Both you and your husband are satisfied with what you each bring to the marriage. It’s perfectly okay to be happy and content in that respect.
Personal satisfaction and fulfillment, however, are different and separate from all that. Maybe you are confusing those needs for guilt. Open your mind and heart, The see what tickles your interest. Don’t take on a big project (the quilt.) Start small, something you can finish easily. If you love it, pursue it. If you don’t, move on. Learn a local craft or tell stories to school children. Paint butterflies on river rocks. It may sound corny, but you really do have a passion inside you begging to be set free.
I’ve been essentially a “trailing spouse” for more than 40 years, although most of my trailing has been within the US. I wish I could tell you that I have those two items, personal fulfillment and satisfaction, mastered, but, alas, I have not. LOL! I think I spent to much time trying to “become” a writer. Start looking now because it gets harder as you get older.
Screw guilt.
You make a great point about personal fulfillment being different than guilt. I think I feel guilty if what I’m doing doesn’t measure up to my perception of what our society values. Or, to put it succinctly, I care too much about what other people think!
It’s true though, personal fulfillment is another important issue to consider, and one that I’ve been pondering a lot lately. Another post, for another day…
Thanks for sharing your wise words.
Enjoy it – absorb, learn and enjoy; this will add to other lives!
I’m so glad I found this website and article! I moved with my boyfriend from London to Los Angeles, and I feel guilty ALL THE TIME, about so many things. Like you, I feel guilty that I am not pursuing my hobbies properly – I could put my all into my singing, songwriting, writing a novel, doing lots of paintings, getting properly fit etc etc… but I haven’t, not enough anyway (I am too much of a flitter). I always used “I don’t have time” as an excuse for not doing these things but now I feel like a failure. I feel guilty I’m not making the most of my time here. I feel guilty for spending my boyfriend’s money. I feel guilty for not doing all the things (jobs and hobbies) that I put on my ‘To Do’ list – a list I create just to give my day some meaning.
I feel guilty that I am being ungrateful, as I know all my friends would kill to be in my shoes – it’s so beautiful and sunny here, there are so many opportunities, I am not working (which I don’t like – but you can’t ever say that to anyone! I feel like I have lost a big part of who I am – I was a teacher – and also a lot of freedom, financial and otherwise), I am (in theory) living the dream – so I feel guilty about feeling unhappy and complaining.
You said that you provide your husband with emotional support whilst he is the financial bit: I feel guilty that I have that balance all wrong, as I need my boyfriend for the emotional bit as well as him providing the money. He has a big network of friends with work and is sociable all day long – I spend my days on my own, questioning the point of life (!). I need him for even getting around half the time, too, as I still can’t drive and public transport is not amazing, and I end up wasting my day walking for miles just to run an errand. But I feel like what right do I have to complain? I am not so sure how to stop feeling like this at the moment. I worry that I am putting too much pressure on my boyfriend when I complain to him, and when I get annoyed that he doesn’t always put my needs first – I feel very selfish, and guilty!
I am glad at least that I am not the only one in this situation who feels this way
It can be tough being an expat as it is – don´t feel guilty. Besides, I think you are doing a good cause with all your writing; helping people in similar situations!! You ARE doing something valuable to them!
Thank you for your support and kind words. It means a lot to me!