August 6th, 2012 
Emily 
*Mzungu = white person
I just attended my first (and last) Zumba class. Here’s how it went:
My friend Dena and I were the only non-Kenyans in the class. And unfortunately, I was the only person who had no sense of rhythm in the class. I was also the only person in class wearing ratty gym shorts instead of sleek black yoga pants. I must have missed the Zumba fashion memo. And did I mention that the class took place in front of a wall of mirrors? Because it did, and that only made matters worse.
That combination: exposed, pale legs + no rhythm + mirror wall = jaw-droppingly hilarious/awful. Dena and I couldn’t stop laughing at my gawky attempts to shake my booty or salsa across the gym floor. At one point, I even tried to hide behind the Kenyan woman in front of me. But my moves were so bad that I could still see my limbs flailing about in the mirror when I missed a beat or moved a bit too exuberantly.
The Kenyan instructor was not the gym class instructor I was used to either. First, she made these weird faces at herself in the mirror while demonstrating the moves. I felt like I was watching America’s Next Top Model teach an aerobics class while posing for a fashion shoot at the same time.
Second, the instructor called people out. She literally stopped the music, and called women to the front of the room to chide them for not trying hard enough. On the one hand, I was grateful that the instructor hadn’t called me out for being klutz. On the other hand, I was worried that maybe I would be next. Needless to say, I zumba-ed myself to near death so that I wouldn’t have to atone for my laziness in front of the whole class.
At my near-breaking point, we started on the chair routines. Does this happen in other people’s Zumba classes? It was like a cross between lap-dancing and chair-assisted squats. For your sake, I hope your Zumba class doesn’t involve chair routines. It just made me feel even more silly and awkward. I was also worried that in my exercise-induced haze I might fall off the chair or trip on it during the move where we had to sashay around it.
In classic Kenyan fashion, the class ended 45 minutes late, and I limped out to my waiting taxi, anxious to get home. It was a little bit like Cinderella fleeing the ball, except I was wearing sneakers instead of glass slippers.
So, now that I have failed at Zumba, I need a new exercise plan. Any suggestions?
photo credit: Simon Schoeters via flickr creative commons
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Thank you! I so needed a good laugh this morning! I’ve not been to a Zumba class but everyone I know who has, loves it. Personally, I avoid everything that requires any act involving coordination of mind and limbs. Walking is difficult enough. LOL!
Hilarious! (At your expense–sorry!) My advice is, go back. Conquer it!
How funny! Thanks for making me smile. I guess you don’t have access to a Wii and “Just Dance” in Kenya? Then you could practice some before taking Gerry’s advice.
Is there a safe place to run?
There is a track next door, but it’s small and made of cement. Better than Zumba though!
PS Thanks for teaching us a new word, and did you purchase a Shutterstock account? Let me know how it is. I’m reading so much on abuse of artistic license that I’m getting very cautious about what pictures I post!
Hmm, I found the photos through a creative commons search. Yikes, maybe I did something wrong? I took them down just in case!
I’m with Bobbie! I avoid all classes that require coordination. I went to a Zumba class with my friend in the U.S. It was way too “bouncy” for me. Give me an elliptical and free weights any day of the week.
Yes, I much prefer an elliptical and free weights!
Elliptical and free weights.. that’s what I did last night. You are much braver than me! I took belly dancing for a few weeks at UMaine (free)– that’s my max, coordination-wise.
I’ve always been able to see pictures when I read. These were great! Do not drop out.
Incredibly amusing picture
YES I have an exercise plan for you AND it will make you friends AND it will make for a good blog entry!! I don’t know if you remember my telling you about the Hash House Harriers in Rhode Island, but they’re an international running/drinking club and there’s a kennel in Nairobi. If it’s like other international kennels, it will probably be a mix of Kenyans and English-speaking foreigners. It looks like the Nairobi kennel has runs every Monday and weekend events a couple times a month. You should check them out (and bring the husband because hashes can initially be a bit intimidating…).
Their website is http://www.nhhh.co.ke/
Miss you! Email me if you want to know more about hashing!
- Emily B.
Oh, great idea! I remember you talking about it in RI, and someone else mentioned it to me here. I’m embarrassed to admit that I think I’m not in good enough shape to run with a group. I’ll have to see if they have a slow person group.